Resolutions are the in-thing

"What's your New Year Resolution?"

That's the single-most popular question I get to hear every year as if that's the only thing that matters and my life depended on the answer, especially on the last day of an year that's gone by! Resolutions were never my thing. As a child, and a teenager, I used to make one as easily and as I pushed it (with immediate effect) to the corner-most, undusted and cobwebbed part of the attic called my mind - where the concept of spring cleaning doesn't exist.

This year, therefore, I decided to do something different: to actually make a new resolution (which I've not done in the past few years) - quite a few resolutions perhaps - and keep track of how many (of those) and how soon will I break (most of those)!

Allow me a few digressions and meanderings, here and there, while I prepare my very own list of new year resolutions.

New Year means a lot of things to a lot of people. To me, it means new beginnings, new hopes, new goals, new inspirations, and new aspirations. New resolutions too - which are of course broken in no time. But most importantly, it also means an opportunity to learn new things, visit new places, break a few bonds, and make new ones - in fact, enjoy life with renewed energy and enthusiasm. I aspire to achieve some of these at least by end of 2014.

Oh God! as predicted, I started with a digression. Now, the list:

1. Don't aim at buying a new car but aim at maintaining the good ol' Alto at least by dusting it every once in a while.
2. Forgive, forget, move on, move over, move under, make move(s) and move (to) places.
3. Take chances and take a lot of risk to climb that mango tree just to bite into a succulent, teeth-tingling raw mango.
4. Be around people with positive thoughts, attitude, spirit.
5. Speak only in Telugu with all the English speakers and in Spanish/Tamil/Malayalam with all Odiya/Telugu/Hindi speakers. And speak (and sing too) backwards if possible.
6. Spend quality time with my daughter, and control my temper around her.
7. Sign up for all bakwaas newsletters, promos and all other junk emails just to enjoy the feel of deleting them or marking them as spam.
8. Speak the truth and ONLY the truth, even if I get murdered in the process of trying to protect the truth and all the facts surrounding it.
9. Be less greedy and gluttony - eat if and only when I am hungry, unless of course it's mysore pak, gulab jamun, rock sweet (from pulla reddy) double-cheese pizza, triple-layered chocolate fudge brownie with ice-cream, nuts and melted chocolate, cheese macaroni, veg sizzler, paneer salt-n-pepper, MLA pesarattu, oily mysore/ mirchi bajji, samosa, malpua, jalebi, chenna poda, chenna cutlet, chenna-any-effing-sweet, dum-style veg biryani, bagara baingan, baingan ka bharta with butter garlic naan, masala dosa, onion dosa a la Manmadhudu style and a few interesting things more.
10. Shed a couple of grams by end of year. Phew! That itself takes so much effort I must say, and the thought counts right!
11. Laugh till my stomach hurts, eyes water, my throat goes grrrrrrrr. Laugh till I can laugh no more!
12. Pamper myself dutifully day after day, week after week and month after month... call home a beautician, a yoga instructor, a dietitian, a masseur - anyone who is willing to pamper me - and spend the entire day feeling loved/ great.
13. Cry my heart out till tears dry up completely and refuse to well up my eyes for the rest of the year.
14. Follow Protima Bedi's example and learn dance - how does it matter (to me) if I can't get the moves right? It's the audience that suffers, not me :D Learn groovy/ sexy moves for latest Bollywood numbers like Sari ke fall sa, Halkat jawani, Chikni Chameli, and Gandi baat just so I don't feel out of place at picnic parties.
15. Say 'I Love You' to anyone I feel like - everyday and many times in a day. On second thoughts, maybe I should restrict the madness to one person per day.
16. Sing (war and revenge songs, national anthems, nursery rhymes - basically anything works) aloud in the presence of unsuspecting friends - especially when I have sore throat and scummy cough as accompanists.
17. Be as naughty as I can get - naughtier and more mischievous than a child.
18. Read every crap book that's available in the second-hand market and complete reading all the good ones sitting morosely at the home library before making millions by selling them off as "vintage collection". 
19. Speak my mind and let all the idiots and fools know how idiotic and foolish they are!
20. Pose for stupid photo sessions and also get an amazing portfolio done for my Bollywood comeback. Yes, you read it right. It's gonna be a comeback (that's what actors of my age do)!
21. Slap all idiots who hurt me, then laugh hysterically and clap with glee!
22. Believe in myself, my ability, my beauty, my personality, my everything - and then believe that everyday is beautiful and marks a new beginning.
23. Wish the first person(s) I see in the morning 'Happy Birthday' even if it's not their birthday! And keep changing my date of birth on FB every 10-20 days just to confuse people... :P
24. Forge bonds with all my dearest friends and strengthen ties with people who matter to me - while royally ignoring those who I don't have/ want to care about - and call/ meet once a month.
25. Change the face of the village, and do something to make the lives of people better - like distributing free gutka or booze packets. It's easier to gain the villagers' trust and respect this way rather than doing socially responsible and morally acceptable things.
26. Learn to be more strong and assertive. More importantly, learn to say NO if that's the only thing I want to say.
27. Roam around the house in the dark in a white sari with a candle in hand singing "Kahin deep jale kahin dil" and other vital songs that add value to my get-up!
28. Spend money on things that I LOVE rather than sacrifice now and regret later about buying or help buying things for others.
29. Get drunk, throw up, and then scream at the top of my voice "Saale Kutte Kameene main tera khoon peejaaoongi" while dramatically wiping my mouth.
30. Make a beginning for my very own 'Around the world in 80 days' trip with daughter.
31. Read all crap, downmarket works by Indian authors including Chetan Bhagat, Rabinder Singh, Preeti Shenoy, Robin Sharma, Animesh Verma just so I can understand why my students want to do a novel review on their books. Note to self: Stay away from God fiction and God(s) of small and big things.
32. Take Srishtii's advice and become the greatest cook(er) on earth. Join the Village Culinary Club (oops, need to check if we have one though) to hone my innate talent and learn to cook an amazing variety of dishes with unpeeled potatoes.
33. Take dog for a walk everyday; offer to take neighbours' dogs for walks too - maybe become the official dog-walker in the village by including street dogs in my Walk the Talk sessions.
34. Dig into the list of all my social networking and email contacts to see who's gonna be more useful to me and religiously follow them to spectacularly and miraculously improve my chances of becoming a part of the next-big-thing (whatever it means, it does sound good!)
35. Become the official photographer for all the weddings in the village and shoot away with my amazing 3.2 MP cell phone camera.
36. Come up with excellent movie titles for Telugu cinema industry and win the Best Title Writer award... To sample a bit of my brilliance, here are a few: Neekem telusu nimmakaya pulusu, Veedu naa mogude, Nuvvu kaavali ante telvada be, Phakiru cheppina kathalu, Jeedi maamidi-kanne gummadi, Nenu ikkada nuvvu ekkada?, Chachinattu choodu, Veedu maaradu anthe...
37. Throw stones at the neighbour's house in the middle of the night and scream "Snake, Dog, Pig, Elephant, Bear, Ghost, Thief" and whatever else comes to my mind when they wake up to abuse me.
38. Okay, most importantly, complete the list of resolutions before 2013 ends.
39. Break most of these by end of the first week and start preparing a new list for 2015.

Thank God, I'm done. Actually, no! The list I've on mind is lost in a fathomless pit. And I'm not even remotely close to one-thousandth of the things I want to put in the list. Never mind, I think this would do for a (comeback) beginner for the time-being. Uff! I wonder how people can spend so much of time, energy, and effort in planning, creating and executing a list of resolutions when they are sure they're not gonna last more than a week! Nevertheless, new year resolutions are (perceived to be) serious business, symbols of hope(s), tough work but fun too... So where's your list?

Be thankful to bad times...

Life has shown me many shades so far. Ever since I moved to this cosy little villa in a cosy little village on the not-so-cosy Sea. And the Sea, which is just at an arm's length from home, always soothed me by just being there. Energetic, bubbling, gushing, excited on one hand; calm, contented, cool on the other. But never once did I witness its ugly fury and the ferocity of its power. Though there were threats - minor and major - on and off in the past five years, neither the Sea nor I succumbed - we always stood the ground. Together, through thick and thin, rain and shine. 

But now, there's a difference in our attitudes and there's a palpable distance. Not between the Sea and me, but between the Sea and me. In a different way. So what has changed? I just cannot drive down anymore to go see my old friend without feeling apprehensive. To figure out whether all is well with him. To know how he survived the gurgling and circling and depression deep within him. I wasn't around at the right moment and I feel guilty and ashamed of fleeing - to save myself and my daughter; desiring to be as away from the dear friend as possible at the most crucial and critical time; leaving his side when disaster hit.

But was it so simple? Not really. When I hear stories, in excited voices, of the cyclone Phailin from neighbours, colleagues and friends, I feel blessed to be hundreds of miles away in a safer zone enjoying a sizzler on the not-so-quiet evening that Phailin was doomed to hit my current hometown. Not that it reduced the population of our district by a few thousands but it did devastate the lives and livelihood of all survivors.

Deciding to go ahead with the pre-planned Dasara vacation wasn't like running away - it's not like I would have died if I stayed on but I would have been terrified while trying to put up a brave front for my daughter's sake... And she would have been scarred by the experience. But experience it would be, of a lifetime. Like the one I had in 1990 when one of the terrifying super cyclones hit Machilipatnam. I can still recall the memory of rattling doors, the whooshing wind, the violent swinging of fans, the grinding stone pushed against the kitchen door, the gusts trying to lash against my face when I tried opening the window just a wee bit - more out of curiosity - as fresh as if it happened last night.

I still remember the way we sat against the windows holding them in place - me and my brother, along with the daughter of my aunt's tenant. She was the oldest at 17, I was 15 and my brother was 13. My cousins' children were too young to understand the effect of cyclone and the fear on the adults' faces. For us teenagers, it was exciting and scary as hell. And it was a miracle that we survived that night, more because of how long we had to hold our bladders since the toilets were outside the house and we couldn't step out unless we wished to die. Finally, when we couldn't bear it any longer, all children (including us) were allowed to relieve themselves near the bedroom door or kitchen door. And the suggestion came from none other than my super orthodox attha (aunt). It was then that I realized life is far more important than a few superstitious beliefs.

But coming back to the now when another of those vicious cyclones wreaked havoc, I wonder why do all bad and frightening things, and calamities, strike in the middle of the night? I've no ONE answer but I have a few guesses - God is probably still trying to send us a gentle reminder that while we need to face the dark dangers, we also need to learn to trust that the dawn will break soon, despite the fury and the destruction. Also, it's good to GO in an unconscious sleepy state rather than in a fearful fully awake state. And God, methinks, wants it that way - with as little consciousness and pain as possible because the inevitable cannot be changed.

I've been hearing a lot of things/ theories from various people in the past two weeks -

"No matter what advancement and progress man has made, he can never gain control over nature."

"Nature's fury is unstoppable and we feel so naked and vulnerable beneath its wrath."

"Natural calamities like these occur because innocent saints of the Hindu religion are targeted."

"Phailin happened because Christians in Odisha were treated badly."

"Only Saibaba saved us. How else can we explain the minimal destruction that we suffered as compared to our neighbours!"

And life did come to a standstill. A clear look around me tells me what's wrong, and right, in this part of the country. The nights (should I say evenings) are dark, deep, lonely and endless. The mornings are tiring when nothing, absolutely nothing, gets done - just take a walk on the road and you'll find huge trees lying lifeless on either side of the road, an everyday reminder of how close we all are to death and how easy it is to simply lie flat and die! Walk around the college campus and see the bare ground which was once a 'green campus' and a proud home to hundreds of trees - the variety itself was mind-boggling - all fallen to dust. Meet people anywhere - the only thing they talk about now is the nightmarish experience, how they survived, what they have lost and what is intact!

Phailin is a terrifying, numbing, and unforgettable memory in many minds - including our own dog Frizbi who wouldn't leave the side of our watchman even after we returned. Each time I look into his eyes, I still see love there but trust? I doubt! Though as unassuming, un-accusing, and unconditional as ever, Frizbi's gesture of preferring to sleep close to our watchman rather than with us in our bedroom as he used to earlier conveys it all - that we left him at the most crucial time. And the ONLY person to stay with him then was who he prefers to stay with - still!

Thus he taught me another valuable lesson of life: "Respect, honour, serve, pray for and be loyal to those who helped you in bad times, but also be thankful to those bad times for they show who is truly yours!"

**********

Though I wasn't around to witness all the drama and the fury, I now have the second-hand account(s) of what and how it all happened! And Mr. Dharma Rao who talked (in the video) about losing 670 coconut trees, the morning after Phailin hit, is the father of two of my ex-students - young school-going children who I tutored for about 2 years.

http://www.ndtv.com/video/player/india-matters/phailin-winds-of-fury/294827

Disturbed musings

Being a girl translates to leading a very tough life in India, where 5 or 50 is just a number... Truly tough life, where every girl has to learn a few life-saving tips while walking on a double-edged sharp sword - so she could live - JUST LIVE and nothing more. No expectations, no hopes, no wishes, no demands... just plain survival instinct!

If a girl gets to survive without being mutilated in her mother's womb, that's the first level of luck. And then starts the actual struggle - of trying to please everyone by following a checklist of tough(er,est) rules carefully! 

Here are a few Don'ts in THE checklist: 

- be humble

- look ugly (preferably)

- don't get dressed attractively

- don't laugh loudly

- don't talk a lot

- don't act smart

- don't wear jeans or skirts

- don't go out in the evening

- don't mingle with men

- don't go to pubs

- don't eat out

- don't drink/ smoke

- don't do this 

- AND don't do that.

Otherwise, you'll get raped and mutilated - so what if you're just a sweet little girl. And mind you, you actually asked for it by wearing that cute little (red???) frilly frock. Why, I wonder, are we living such brutal lives? Why is there so much of hatred around? Where is all the love and compassion gone?

I'm deeply hurt and shocked by the amount of brutality being inflicted on women, in an era that doesn't let even 5-year-old girls be spared from mind-numbing violence. I'm a woman and I'm a mother of a girl too... While my heart goes out to the little girl who is battling for her life in yet another Delhi hospital, I'm also worried sick about the scar it leaves on the little one's mind forever. 

Would she wake up every now and then in the middle of the night screaming and trying to run away? Will she ever be able to get over the harrowing traumatic brutality she was put through and lead a normal childhood? Will she play with her dolls and soft toys with the same excitement? Will she draw 8-shaped cats, asymmetric cars, balloons and rabbits, and color them in the most hideous patchy way using funny color combos? Will she sing and dance like a bindaas 5-year-old? Will she, when she's just a little girl (still), ask her mom "What will I be... Will I be handsome, will I be rich"? Above all, will she EVER trust anyone again with the same innocence as she did till a few days ago?

I very much doubt it. Life will never be the same for a child when the biggest gift of being a child - her blissful childhood - has been snatched from her. I pray that the girl be relocated and brought up elsewhere rather than in this country... where crimes against children are a seriously punishable offence, where there's a zero-tolerance-level approach to pedophiles, where child psychologists and counselors can play an extraordinary role in taking care of the little angel and re-stabilizing and rehabilitating her into a normal social set-up.

A request to all smart girls out there, and all the smart boys who are girls' best friends - stay safe and learn to say an affirmative NO at least once in a while. 

And please teach your young children, siblings, and cousins a few safety tips, and the difference between 'good touch' and 'bad touch' - and help young innocent girls avoid the brutal traumatic experience called rape!! What happened in Delhi should NOT recur anywhere again :( :(

P.S: It's really really unfortunate that two of my consecutive posts deal with the same topic. And I so strongly feel the need to move on, in search of some (thing more) peace(ful)!

Obit to a sung-too-much soldier...

...Since I couldn't come up with an ode! It's as good (or bad) as a lengthy epitaph can get!

I'm not thinking so much about what to write. I'm more concerned about how to write what I want to write. So many people have written so many millions of words over the past few weeks... expressing shock, disgust, concern, solidarity, angst, anger, hatred, murderous instincts - and every other emotion that one can think of when a heinous act of crime gets out of control and focus, and gains an enormous amount of propaganda.

What happened in Delhi to a 23-year-old unfortunate girl happens to a lot of others everyday in some corner of the world or the other. But the extent of brutality involved this time is what got the attention of the media, the civilians and the netizens around the world, caught people by the scruffs of their necks to sit up and take note of. And think. And react. Protest, if you will! Call it rape, or sexual assault, will you? I call it BLUDGEON. 

A lot of netizens posted minute-by-minute updates of the-how-of-it-all... and about what happened to her with the grossest possible details in the most grotesque manner - probably expecting unsuspecting folks like me to 'Like' the status and share the same with scores of others. With the tag lines "How many likes for this brave girl?", "We're with you, Damini", "Nirbhaya, you're the brave daughter of Mother India", "If you ignore it, you've no heart".

Yes, I agree. I've no heart. I have no heart to Like or share something so gruesome and shocking. I had no heart to feed the wild imagination and secret pleasure of those voyeurs and perverts out there waiting for a glimpse of the-girl-who-was-violated, and all the gory insider details associated with the incident. I had no heart to rape her over and over again with words, pictures, remarks, comments, discussions, tags, Likes.

Wait a second... what am I trying to prove here? That I'm in some way superior to the rest of the human(e) race? That I've a heart while all those umpteen others have a stone in its place? Nah, I'm only trying to understand what is there to 'Like' about a crime of such violence and magnitude?

And now, after all this dichotomy, she finally rests in peace under a piece of earth, wrapped in a piece of cloth... probably with a know-it-all smile of a witness-to-a-never-ending-hysterical-drama!

Strangely, I'm happy for her. I'm happy that it's all over. For her and for me. The pain, the agony, the protest marches, the lathi charges, the anger, the 24X7 almost-live coverage, the (unwanted) attention - yes, unwanted and unnecessary attention because she didn't ask for any of it - the solidarity, and everything else.

And now, I can peacefully go back to doing whatever else I want/ used to - both online and offline. I can read (about) Happiness or 50 Shades of Grey as mindlessly as I watch(ed) the crime scene after the recent bomb blast in Hyderabad while sipping piping hot chai; I can groove to my favorite music while enjoying a Valentine's Day surprise dinner at a plush restaurant of a star hotel; I can engage in gossip about the murder of an acquaintance by her husband and come up with theories on whether it was really a murder or just a suicide; I can cook up the family's favorite meal, including dessert, and relish it without feeling guilty about the calories being downed; I can watch Tom & Jerry some zillionth time on telly and laugh out loud like a child - without a care in/about the world.

Oh that reminds me - what was my answer when baby S asked me: 'Amma, what happened in Delhi... all adults are talking about it?' I remember I told her something. I DID tell her something... but what was that? There I go blank again! Short term memory loss I guess! (My) Memory is such a fleeting thing. And Public memory? Uff forget it! Let's not get into theories and waste our time. Let's just go back to doing what we're good at - FORGET AND MOVE ON.

Love to all and peace to the entire world - minus the girl-who-died-at-last!