Jeena yahan, marna yahan!

It was raining continuously for the past many days - with just a glint of sun rays in between. And what was I doing? Sitting at home and getting bored? Well, not really. I was enjoying every bit of it. I like the way life has slowed down for me. I feel like I'm on a different plane, or is it phase, right now. And I'm loving it for now. And when it rains continuously for three days... well, I guess a lot of people I know would get irritated with the idea of this unwarranted 'house arrest'.

Honestly, one should try it some time. Just sit at home - doing nothing, thinking of nothing, no internet, no phone, no distractions, no thoughts, no haunting memories, nothing that can bind you or tie you down. All you are aware of are the needs of a little daughter whose demands are small, and sweet! All I could think of during those rainy days was 'will the school bus come on time', 'what will my little princess like for breakfast today', 'will I be able to finish cooking and all the other household chores before she comes back from school', 'will these clothes ever dry - Gawd! I've another truckload waiting to be washed'...

Kind of house-wife-ish, as my friends love to tease me. But yes, I do love this totally domesticated version of myself. I do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of my child, shopping for groceries, going to the bank or the nearest ATM and get worked up about spending a lot of money without actually working towards refilling my account :(, fighting with the HP gas agent for days (unsuccessfully!!!) to get my gas transferred from Hyderabad - finally I got it yesterday after the long and agonising 20-day wait, visiting my in-laws whenever I can, etc.

And yes, my major worry in life now is the thought that I may not have enough time to sit and watch the sea for a little while longer - especially when it's raining, and the sea looks irresistibly beautiful. Don't get me started on the sea!!! It'll only be a never-ending saga of unsatiated love.

Sea always reminds me of the different phases of love... its varied emotions, facets, stages, and characteristics. Sometimes the sea seems very calm, soothing, and inviting. But there are times when it's extremely violent. Like today for instance. Am I scared? I guess not. I love the sea in spite of its terrible-n-wild mood swings.

I simply love the idea of dozing off to the lullaby of the waves gushing restlessly, and waking up to watch the orange-red ball rising up from beyond the vast expanse of water and getting brighter by the minute... all this just by opening my bedroom balcony door, or window. Words fall flat when I attempt to describe my emotional attachment to the sea. All I can say is I can spend the rest of my life happily just by sitting on the shore and looking at the sea.

Life is bliss...

Once you start living close to a water body so vast, you'll slowly learn to be aware of what's happening, and will grow sensitive to its moods. Today the sea was kind of calm when I got up, but I knew instinctively that beneath its depths there's a storm waiting to hit the shore.

What's going on inside its brain, if it has one, I wonder! Is it angry, or ecstatic, or miserable? Why is it calm? And why are the waves so violent so suddenly? Does the sea have feelings too? Is it emotionally disturbed? Or is it in a mood for some passionate love? I may never be able to guess, or understand. But do I really care?

Sitting here on the beach watching the violent surge of the waves, I've made my decision. Jeena yahan, marna yahan!!!

Too many singles, and circles...

"Life has come a full circle." Probably this is what it is... My current life!

Exactly a decade ago (on July 7, 1999), I started my married life as a new bride in a 500-sft single-bedroom apartment, paying Rs. 2000 towards the rent; and it still feels like yesterday! We've since then progressed to staying in a 1200-sft 2-bedroom flat, and then moved on to own a huge 1600-sft 3-bedroom flat.

And now, I'm back to staying in a single bedroom 500-sft house paying Rs. 2000 as the rent. :-) It's like starting all over again... right from buying utensils, pans and tawas, to selecting a new refrigerator and mixer-grinder, to debating about what kind of almirah to choose - everything feels the same as it felt 10 years ago.

Indeed life has come a full circle - with so many twists and turns in between, bitter-sweet memories, a naughty daughter brought into my life, a village waiting to be adopted, and a countryside sea-facing villa waiting to be constructed...

So what has changed now? A lot, I must say. I'm slowly realizing what it takes to be a single parent... understanding my daughter (and her needs that I was blissfully oblivious to so far) takes a lot of patience, energy, and time! I am yet to analyze where she gets all the energy to bounce about, run around, make mischief, and play 24X7 untiringly and effortlessly! Oh yes, before the rumour mills start working overtime, let me confirm that I'm still very much married (this is what my husband had to say on Father's Day) - and today I'm all set to celebrate our 10-year-journey together!

And I'm also realizing that long-distance relationships are difficult to maintain, and they take their toll on everything else. Suddenly there is loneliness, irritation, anger, hatred, mood swings, extreme reactions... my lovelorn soul wants to be soothed, and fed with its daily dose of love.

Nevertheless, as Saraswati Chandra pointed out a long while ago, Pyaar se bhi zaroori kayi kaam hai, pyaar sab kuch nahin zindagi ke liye...

'Such is life, and devotion to cause' - as a close friend rightly pointed out recently. And, truly, there are miles to go before I sleep... Yawn! And Amen!