Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Live life my way, just for a day!

It's that time of the year again when I start lamenting about a lot of things. No, it's not about getting old. Age issues have never been able to get me worked up or throw me off balance. Those who know me well know that I am not the one to be bothered about the age factor. I've always believed in aging gracefully and not hiding behind blushes, mascaras and colors or highlights to disguise my wrinkles or my gray hair.

It's certainly a complex phase of regret I go through religiously, same time every year - it's all about the time that has been wasted so far, the people I've lost, and a few relationships that turned sour or flat. Little do I realize each year how the status quo remains the same once it reaches an edgy plateau.

And there are times when I am awakened to a sudden shocking realization of envious glances, subtle insults hurled with an intention to hurt, use-and-throw attitude... among many other things. If only looks could kill, God knows how many times I'd have been murdered. Each time I note with regret the many words chosen carefully, measured with much care and thrown in casually. Some are direct, some are indirect. Some are enigmatic, some are straightforward. Some are innocent, some are venomous. Some are silly, some are vengeful.

But it's all there - for me to know, understand, interpret, and feel the hurt. Somehow, I refuse to fall for those tacky tactics.

'Why me,' is probably a helpless victim's reaction. 'Not me,' is the cry of a warrior. And I believe I'm the stronger one. I'm the warrior. I'm the rebel. I'm the cool cat. I'm the dare devil. Or am I, actually? Lost people, left career, changed lifestyle... what more can stand testimony to my nonchalant and noncommittal response to life, I wonder.

That explains why it actually makes me laugh, not hurt or wriggle in pain, when people who don't know or understand me try to throw their weight around... does it really affect me? Can there be victory if there's no opponent and no battle? So, who are they putting up a show for? What's their chance in front of all that fate had to offer me so far - unasked? If I have to carefully measure all my gains against my few losses, I'd still probably be part of "the poorest of the poor" brigade. What a sad prospect I say!

So I come up with my own silent protest, not quite withdrawing into the shell, and throw an even quieter challenge... I'm willing to trade everything that life and fate have given me until now with anyone who believes I've a better life, and luck, than them... what a thought! What a joke! Seriously. Take all my countless tears that I was forced to stop from slipping down for fear of losing someone else too!!

I really wait for that someone to take up the challenge and live life my way. Just for a day. I'm okay swapping places, sitting back, relaxing, and enjoying every moment of it while they struggle to walk the tight rope called life with half my sense of balance. I'm willing to leave my everything in the person's favor, till the last penny of my property (?), on one simple condition. Just bring me back the two most important people, whom I lost in quick succession, alive. Relationships and people are what I want. Give me back my people and take all the comforts money could provide me so far.

All I ask for in return is a day of complete, solid and unending joy without a tinge of sorrow or regret. I'm ready for the challenge. Are you?

1 comment:

Usha said...

Not for nothing have I maintained that you are the nicest person I know! Stop being so angry, babe! There are a lot of people in this world who love you and look up to you. Celebrate the new year in your life.