Friday, April 6, 2012

Between now and forever!

I had always read, and believed, that love is an ephemeral feeling. It's strong one moment and gone the next. And so sometimes I even have a doubt whether it's true to say "I love you forever"... (like the protagonist of the Telugu movie Orange says); "I love you now" is the right phrase, I guess, in these tricky times! 

Also I somehow used to think you can only love people, or pets at the most! But last night was a shocking revelation for me - when I was shedding copiously bitter tears for something less valuable than life! Then I tried recollecting when was the last I cried for/ over material possession(s), and I could hardly count 10 instances - and most of them belonged to a different age and era (read when I was a child)!

  • When I lost my favorite pencil at school
  • When one of my artificial earrings (a gift from a cousin) fell into a drain and I knew my dad was never going to buy me another pair as I was allergic to metals other than silver and gold :(
  • When an ice-cream vendor "stole" my 10-paise coin and refused to give me ice gola :-/
  • When my brother broke my toy in anger
  • When I lost my engagement ring soon after marriage :P
  • When I lost two of my precious rings (a pearl one bought with my scholarship money and a diamond one bought by hubby dear on my first birthday after marriage)

I think that's about it. I didn't even shed a tear when there was a big dent on my brand new car within a week of taking it out. I didn't feel bad when we had to sell the same car a couple of years later. I don't remember suffering silently about disposing of our first flat in Hyderabad as I realized we'll not be able to go back there ever again - my daughter's corporate school and our respective offices were located at a pretty convenient distance from our new rented apartment.

However, I do remember a few instances where I cried into my pillow through the night - sometimes for nights together. The incidents almost always were related to a sense of loss - a relationship, a to-be-born, a sibling, a parent. Or when I had a serious fight/ argument with someone that made me cry out in helplessness and frustration.

But those were about differently difficult and complicated things, and revolved around a loved one. And this reason was different. It was all about a brick-and-mortar-and-four-walls structure which we were thinking of putting up for sale. I had hardly spent a year in that place. Still... just the thought made me nervous and experience the same sense of loss all over again!

I guess it's not because of a return of love for material things but more because my subconscious mind sends me a warning signal - of an impending break of a bond/ a strong tie... Hmmm and why not! The house is my only connection with the city I was born in, spent my childhood, adolescence and the prime of my adulthood, made friends, had relatives, got married, had a child, saw things that are good or bad, witnessed growth and destruction spanned over 35 years - both in terms of personal life and the city itself.

Can you really be so possessive about some silly material possession that you stop caring for the person sitting next to you, trying to reason out with you and comfort you? Not really. It's surely not about the four walls... it's about the bonds that are set to break. Sad but true... and I'm "human" after all :)

And precisely for that - for reminding me of my love for the city, my affection for my friends, and my human(e) personality - I love you forever my sweet abode! And it's adieus - sooner or later!


Nobodyville Street said...

I often heard my grandpa say that sometimes brick and mortar and that old bicycle or that empty aquarium or maybe even that ink smudged 18 year old school shirt have more importance- a deeper one than people; just sometimes.

Today, when he is not there since the past 9 years I try to recollect and analyze and the understanding that I have gathered is that these 'objects' symbolize something to us.. something very personal, very deep and very 'own'. And that feeling that we get when we have to leave, forsake or abandon those 'things' is coz not only people we know or love but a whole grand milieu of things like situations and private moments alone with the aquarium or the cycle, make us feel almost criminal to do so.

Sometimes these objects build you and shape you as a person than some people and figures ever could- in a very distinct yet inexplicable way... You have suddenly brought back a lot of memories through this post. I thank you for that :)

Moo said...

I remember my dad had this towel (the thin kinds, not the turkish) that he used to leave in the cupboard and never let anyone else use. It was really old about 8 years old. One day, my sis and I got drenched in the rain and mom accidentally took that towel and used it. My dad was really upset that day. He later told us that his mom had given him the towel a ring and necklace before she died. Those things for my dad were the living memories of my grandma.

I guess sometime we need reminders in the form of things to keep us in the past so we don't forget who we are and where we came from.

Ruthu said...

This is sooo true Shanti!!! As materialistic as it may make one sound... i think its the memories attached with these that trump everything else... i used to feel that way about things like old solidaire TV that as a family we used to watch Byomkesh Bakshi on to our first car that took us miles in different directions... to a particular steel dinner plate that my dad won in running :) ....

Lavi said...

we were together on most of the crucial decision making moments of our life and have seen each other growing. What u said is very true. May be now when i look back i understand that things which are insignificant were given too much importance.Life is much more precious and worth living.

sohini said...

Its a beautiful post Shanti! Made me smile when I was otherwise dozing off at my desk!