Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The story of my life...

... and it hasn't been easy, I tell you! SIGH!

I never thought living with humans was that tough - what with all those expectations revolving around the relationship between us and you humans! About dogs being a man's best guard... errr... I mean friend! 

Well, I really cannot recollect whether I was happy being with my mom, dad and five siblings back then (I wonder where each of them is, and whether they have similar thoughts). If you ask me, I don't really know if I'm happy now in my new home. Yes, it's still kind of new... at least I think so! Or is it, really? Anyway, these folks got me to their house a while ago and since then they have been expecting me to adjust to them and act normal! Like the other day when I pooped inside the house, they yelled at me and threatened to lock me out! Like I care! Oh no, actually I do! These guys are crazy I must tell you!

Okay let me start from the beginning... it almost goes like the famous saying 'They came, they saw, and they conquered' (but in my case, 'they purchased'). I was around 5 weeks old then. I was blissfully unaware of their existence and was playing with my siblings and mom. Dad was downstairs barking at the top of his voice and that was when I sensed that all wasn't well. There were intruders who royally walked into the house, and my life too. 

At first, one of my four sisters and the only brother were taken downstairs. I have to admit that they were cuter and quite roly-poly. So God knows why I was asked to be summoned. The man kept trying to engage me, pet me, call me near him, and in general, act irritatingly friendly. And the woman was more fascinated by my brother and sister, and didn't bother me much. Soon I've had enough and tried to escape by climbing up the stairs and run to my mother. But my owners kept bringing me back to them as they decided to take me home as a belated birthday present for their daughter! 

This was my second day at my new home!
I was given a bath and made to sleep in a carton (what a silly way to transport me, I say!). A small portion of pedigree and milk were packed... I was all set to go though I am not sure I wanted to - leaving mom, dad and everyone else. I remember going in a three-seater to some place where the silly, uncourteous, mannerless new owners ate something without offering me anything - expecting me to curl up and sleep. Then they were running like mad dogs in a crowded place with me in the carton and my stuff in a carry-bag to get into something big that just began chugging away! Once inside the big moving vehicle, the couple took me out of the carton and took turns to make me sleep in their lap for almost 3 hours until we alighted at some smaller place... and hopped on to a scooter, stopped on the way to buy more food (how much do these humans eat I wonder!). Finally I was home - well-rested and wide awake!

Unfortunately, there was an excited little devil in that house waiting with a scary grin and scared the hell out of me by uttering cries of joy! She wanted to hold me, play with me, touch my coat, pet me - how very irritating! And that girl even changed my name from James Bond to Ebony. Yuck! James Bond sounds so much more macho! To top it all, they were treating me almost like a human, and a part of the family, expecting me to return the gesture! How stupid!

Yeah yeah, I know I'm supposed to keep up to my image of enjoying and loving every moment of it. I read it all up on Facebook where we were compared to those furry-purry creatures and made to look dumb, loyal and loving! 

But don't you worry! Over the next few days I plotted each of my moves carefully and took my revenge - sometimes secretly and sometimes quite openly. I peed all over them and their house, and marked my territory. I pooped everywhere - in every nook and corner where I could reach and they couldn't. I nipped and bit them at the most unexpected times and in unexpected places... as many times as I wanted to and ran away laughing when they tried to hit me with a paper or push me away! 

I hated the rice porridge with boiled vegetables they gave me initially and often refused to eat it but those devils used to wait patiently till I grew extremely hungry and went (albeit silently and secretly) to lap it all up. Actually, with milk and carrot and lentils and potatoes, the rice wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be! Or maybe it was my plain stupid hunger! Can you believe me when I tell you that they retaliated by trying to kill me with a boiled egg? This was during my third week with them, and the egg smelled like some disgusting enemy dog... boy, how I barked at my food bowl that day!

And during those days of open war, I used to refuse to drink water and tilt the water bowl upside down to spill the water all over so they would slip and fall, and fracture their bones! I kept pulling off the pleats of the sari (that moved irritatingly in front of the wearer and protected her feet) so she would fall flat on the floor. I even curled up around the man's legs to make him trip and fall from the stairs. Only none of the plans ever worked! Bloody hell! 

All this I did because I knew I was too small to be disciplined and they could do nothing except perhaps call me Bad Dog at the most! Like I care! Hey, I have to share another of their secrets... They really don't know how to talk okay! Their vocabulary is limited to Good dog, Bad dog, My boy, Sit, Stand, Run, Eat, Wait and Down! Can't they speak one sentence of English properly instead of in single syllables?

This is the handsome me with my bushy tail :)
Anyway, it was so much fun taking revenge - the only time(s) I wasn't plotting against them was when I was given warm milk and food or when I slept upside down! 

Mind you, all that fun was too unreal and fairytale-ish to not end. So after a week of constant nipping and biting and pouncing, they lost it and decided to pack me off to my place of birth. I even heard them make a frantic call or two! God was I happy, yet worried... what if I'm abandoned by all? 

And then suddenly everything changed. The foolish folks decided to keep me as suddenly as they decided to send me back! They slowly started changing their ways, and mine too! They kept me on leash for a couple of hours in the day when I acted rowdyish or tried to bite their feet and hands off! (To tell you the truth, I always aimed at their head but ended up at their feet :P) And they got me a lot of toys and things to chew on so I don't chew their footwear or clothes. They made sure that I was well-fed, at regular intervals, even in the middle of the night! Hmmm... they seem to tow my line finally and are trying their best to keep me happy. So I guess now it's okay to stop biting them (also it's no fun to get hit each time I bite them). 

And they keep petting me, rubbing my stomach and fussing over me so much that I actually started loving it. They think that I'm the most obedient and handsomest dog in the entire world. Which is partly true, of course! I'm now a grown-up handsome boy and I love the way my long bushy tail looks - they whisper among themselves that it's because of the dog-food they keep feeding me. And they want to feed me yummy chicken and bones twice a week instead of occasionally! If it's true, then I'm not leaving them or troubling them anymore! Not today, not tomorrow and not in the next few years!  Because I love the way I look today! And, however much I hate to admit it, I do love my foster family despite all their madness, stupidity, silly acts and warped behavior!

Now that I let out my story without their knowledge, let me go back to my evening snack in peace!


P.S: Love to all humans and peace to the world!


memories said...

Daughter's comment: This is the funniest diary I've ever read. But amma, you should write a punch line also in the end! :)

~~ Thanks little S... A critic in the making I suppose! Like parents, like daughter !!

Moo said...

Dear Human who owns Ebony, I think Ebony is the happiest dog there is. Please give her an extra chicken bone this week from my end. A hug and a kiss as well.
Moo (a confused cow in human form)