The road not taken...

When I was just a little girl I asked my mother what will I be...

I guess my mother neither knew the song nor the answer. But looking at what I'm today and my present set of skills, I am sure she'll be more than happy about the road I had not taken :P. So, this is a story of two-year-old Baby S - set in 1976, sometime between October and December!

My mom was at her maternal home for her second delivery. Oh yes, my maternal grandparents were rich and quite well-known in their town. Just the family name was enough for anyone to know who we're related to, and the respect shown in their eyes is unforgettable.

One fine morning, when all the inmates of the white-washed two-storey building on the left corner of a street near Shanti Theatre in Gandhinagar, Vijayawada, were busy with their morning chores, a cute-n-chubby two-year-old baby girl in a red frilly frock got down the two flight of stairs unnoticed by any elder in the household. Having descended the last stair too, out she went from the door that separated the street from the stairs. There were no gates at that time mind you, only wooden doors!

She stepped out onto the wide road, into the big bad world, her own childlike sense of freedom overwhelming her (of course, I don't think she remembers feeling that way but I just said it for effect :P), and looked to her left and right. There was the wider main road on her right and the lane where her grandparents' house stands stretching further on her left.

Hmmm... which road should I take? Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Grrrrrrr I can't decide. Why can't I just decide and move on? Okay, let me try again. Left, right! Left, right! Left... okay right... because the left road looks deserted and boring. The one on the right, the main road, has a lot more activity going on and a lot many vehicles beckoning me. So main road, here I come... Her little feet turned right and carried her forward.

After stepping on to the main road, she had more choices to make. There were three roads to choose from... left, right and straight ahead. But this time, I think the choice was kind of easy - right again. She kept to the right side of the road and walked, and walked. Just a few tiny steps later, she caught the attention of an old lady sitting at her kirana store a little ahead. Puzzled by the sight of a tiny girl unaccompanied by elders, the kind old lady came on to the road and carried the girl back to her shop. And the little girl could see two varieties of chikki, three kinds of chocolates, and murukulu kept in glass jars atop the desk at the kiosk. Also, the gray-haired lady reminded her of ammamma.

The shopkeeper then offered her two chikkis and started quizzing her.

Old lady: What's your name?

Little girl: S.....

OL: What's your mom's name?

LG: Nirmala...

OL: Where do you stay?

LG: Hyderabad.

OL: (suddenly tense and wondering if someone kidnapped the girl from Hyd and got her here) So, how and why did you come here? Where is your father?

LG: Nanna is in Hyderabad. Amma and me came in train here along with my grandmother. My mummy has big stomach and I'll have a baby brother soon if she goes to the hospital.

OL: (slightly relieved "okay her mom has come for delivery...") So, where does your grandfather stay?

LG: In a big white house. We have to climb stairs and go.

OL: (trying to remember how many white coloured two-storey houses are there in the neighbourhood, for she was sure the girl wouldn't have walked for long) And what does your grandfather do?

LG: He applies dirty black thing on people's palms and wipes it on a white paper.

OL: Do you know his name?

LG: Tatayya

OL: That's what you call him.

LG: Amma calls him Nanna, ammamma calls him Evandi.

So the conversation went on and the girl kept nibbling the goodies offered to her. The old lady was sure someone would come looking for the child anytime soon.

In the meanwhile, the scene at the house was chaotic - grandmom trying to console the uncontrollable sobbing mother who was not just worried about the daughter being lost but also was terrified of her husband's anger. The father was extremely attached to his little girl for she was born eight years after their marriage. Mother was scared thinking that the girl was taken away by dommari vallu (tribe of street dancers who earn a living performing rope tricks and dances on the roads) who had their tents at the end of the road on the left.

The neighbours opposite were summoned and the college-going sons in the neighbourhood went on their bicycles in search of the girl. And where does one of the "neighbouring uncles" find her? At the kind old lady's road-side kiosk munching murukulu and talking non-stop much to the amusement, and entertainment of the shopkeeper. Ah!! What a relief - for everyone!!!

Thus ends the story of a little girl, and the road she has not taken, on a happy note of reunion. And I guess that's how fates are decided; and careers are made, or broken!

What if I had taken the road on the left? Would I have been a terrific street dancer? Or something else? I still wonder and I still dread the thought...

In pursuit of happiness...

On a particularly disturbing dreary evening, I sat staring at the sea thinking about things that pushed me into this abysmal agony. It was then I realized there were irritants bothering me and I'm in pursuit of happiness... Life is hard. Life is harsh. Life is cruel. So? When did anyone ever say life is easy? Life is like that bhai! Since you can't quit right now, you may as well enjoy!

But, I wondered, how can one be happy always amid such frenzy and agony? Quite simple actually, if you set your mind to it! I believe 'Ignorance is bliss,' and what doesn't touch (reach) you doesn't (should't) hurt you. Okay let me make it simpler and clearer.

Life, to me, is a gift to be enjoyed and not wasted away! And I've a few mantras for happiness. They work for me; I hope some of these work for you too...

10. See the sea and the sun: I don't mean that you travel hundreds of miles to look at the sea literally! A quick break away from stress and buzz is all you need to rejuvenate and reinvent yourself. Just an hour off from work will enable you to watch the setting sun with a new joy.

9. Happiness is within, not with or without: Don't you think so? How can the presence or absence of something or someone make you happy/unhappy? Nobody can ever take away what you have within yourself - your core, inner strength, beauty, power, confidence, the meaning of your existence. Try a quick inward introspective session. It really helps to see what you actually want and what can make you, and keep you, happy.

8. Nobody besides yourself can make you sad: Trust me on this one! It's not what others say or do that agonizes you. It's your reaction to those words or actions and your willingness to wallow in pain and misery that make you unhappy. If you're okay doing this, then don't blame "others" for making a puppet of you and playing with your emotions, feelings, and heart as it's you who left the reins of your life in someone else's hands.

7. Hug a child (even if it's not your own): Children have the natural ability to spread cheer and happiness. So when life looks down on you, you look up to a child and bring that pleasant smile back on your face.

6. Small joys are better than bigger goals: Agreed you want to own a chain of businesses a la the Birlas or the Tatas. But while working towards your life's biggest goal, ignoring smaller joys will rob you of greater happiness. Take time out to enjoy a pleasant evening with family, the first drops of rainfall, a bunch of roses, your child's first words/ steps, good movies or music, a nice cup of hot coffee...

5. Chhodo kal ki baatein... : ...Kal ki baat purani ! Always think ahead, and avoid living in the past. The only good thing about the past is that it gives you enough experience and lessons about not repeating your mistakes. Beyond that, there's no point in looking back. Forgive, forget and move on!

4. Weed out irritants from your life garden: Don't give scope for bad thoughts, irritable people, and artificial obligatory relationships. Remember weeds of all kinds need to be plucked out if you want to save your garden. Never make the mistake of maintaining money-based relationships - they're dicey and they don't last long.

3. It's okay to pursue material comforts: True, money and material comforts are not as important as people and relationships. But if these can bring you momentary happiness and make your day, you may as well work towards gaining them before turning philosophers. Nobody can be a good karma yogi without being a good bhogi (pleasure seeker). If you're eying the new BMW/ Porsche, Prada accessories, new freaky gadget, a bicycle worth a few lakhs, and acquiring it is your only mantra for happiness, let that be so. Work out your strategies around that pursuit.

2. Pursue a hobby: Music is my biggest 'H' factor. It helps me unwind quicker and better. Sing along aloud, listen quietly, or just cry your heart out - whatever it takes to be normal. If gardening does the trick for you, go ahead! Sports. Swimming. Dancing. Writing. Reading. Anything. Do something that makes you genuinely happy.

1. Get tired, and feel rejuvenated: It could be a long workout session in the gym to tone your body, pump your muscles, or the works. It could also be a brisk walk/ jog regimen in the nearest park. Or, better still, a relaxing between-the-sheets activity helps the release of much-needed Endorphins in your body and keeps your spirits up. [Don't trust me? Check Wikipedia :).]

So, what do you think? Have more such, or better, mantras? Please do share your tips to drive away depression and make us happier :) !!

Ankhiyon ke jharokhon se...

... maine dekha jo saanware tum dur nazar aaye badi dur nazar aaye

Bandh karke jharokhon ko zara baithi jo sochne mann mein tumhi muskaaye...

Ek tere bharose pe sab baithi hoon bhool ke, yunhi umar guzar jaaye tere saath guzar jaaye...

What is love? Kya hai pyaar? I have been trying, unsuccessfully for years, to find the answer. The question keeps coming back to me every Valentine's Day (which has gained much significance and many commercial shades in the recent years). Okay, this is not about Valentine's Day.

This is about love actually! The various facets of this feeling, sentiment, emotion. I do not know what I'm seeking either. Except that I kept rediscovering love - many times over - in the past three decades. Each time I lost faith in this institution, miracles kept happening most unexpectedly to remind me that there's enough love in the world if you open your mind to welcome it. So here I am exploring love and its different angles.

When I was just a baby - my dad used to tell me at every opportunity - mom used to hold me in her lap and sit up the whole night so I don't wake up crying... isn't that love? When my baby brother was born, she made sure I had some exclusive time with him so I don't feel envious and deprived... I still remember his tiny pink fingers wrapped around my index finger, and the smile of recognition that dawned on his face when his eyes spotted any of us... wasn't that love?

When mom was angry with my bro and refused to give him food as punishment, I still remember the pain of a five-year-old sister when her brother's hunger showed on his teary face, the happiness of feeding him secretly in the kitchen, and braving mom's whacking with a contented smile later, scribbling silly sorry notes when mom ordered us not to talk to each other following a fight... if all these can't be described as acts of love, I wonder what else can be?

And, my whole perspective on love changed when I became a teenager. But of course! Love then acquired a new color, flavor, and meaning... everything turned more brighter, better, and meaningful (hmmmm!!!) when I tasted the sweetness of teenage love. With stars twinkling in my eyes, music reverberating in my ears, rhythmic dance moves in my steps, the world ceased to be the same... and I thought it was love - forever, and ever-lasting!

But it was not to be so. That was my first bitter experience of love, life, people, and relationships... the first time I lost love for life. Broken relationships are never easy to handle... especially if it's a precious seven-year-long one. And the ensuing misery is best forgotten...

It took an angel's gentle intervention to wipe my tears clean and walk me into the sunset, hand in hand. His love was not just a soothing balm on my wounds but it was the best and most beautiful experience of bringing together difficult and strangest permutation(s) of all kinds of love - fatherly, motherly, brotherly, friendly, loverly, husbandly, childly, sexual, Godly, lusty, angelic - arranged in an amazingly absurd and asymmetrical array, exclusively for me.

A generous dose of love, many words of care, a soothing touch, acts of affection, understanding, gratitude, a sprinkling of warmth, a splash of color(s), rose petals, moonlight, sunshine, moments of confusion, darkness, grief, loneliness, kindness, life's bitter-sweet offerings, purchases, sales, despair, hope, trust, confidence, lust, anger, depression, insecurity, spring, telepathy, tenderness, celebrations, compromises, sacrifices, separateness, memories, shared passions, and an eternity of togetherness later, love - I realized with satisfaction - is a beautiful package of many little things, prospects, actions, and words.

Love to me is not about who you want to live with, but it's more about who you cannot live without. So, I guess, I finally figured the answer too - however vague it might be! And I do know one thing for sure...

It is this love that still binds me to myself, to the world, to God, to relationships, to emotions, to life, and to everything that I can call bliss. And to that charming angel (no prizes for guessing who) I dedicate my pyaar-bhara post with a tear in my eye, blush on my cheek, happiness in my heart, and pleasure in each nerve and sinew...

P.S: I love you! (... Valentine's or no Valentine's)

Of cute girls, and tough career choices...

What do you do when your child refuses to stay put... and enjoy the bliss of being a child while it lasts? Nothing, I guess. You just go along the flow and let the monologues surprise you time and again. So today my daughter's semi-monologue revolved around career planning.

God, was I was taken aback at the complexity of her thoughts, the intricacies of her mind, and the dilemma(s) of a seven-year-old career planner. Soon I realized that cute little girls too have it tough when it comes to careers.

According to S, she has three very difficult choices to make - as far as her career goes - besides the two other choices her teacher forced all the girls in the class to think about. Okay, let's start with the teacher's choices -- my daughter's question literally pulled me out of my reverie! Talk of gender equality in this land!!

S: Amma, can girls also become doctors?

Me: Of course yes, Why not?

S: My teacher asked us to write in our book 'I want to become a nurse when I grow up and she said boys can choose between a soldier and a doctor.'

Me: (Oh wow! Isn't my daughter lucky to have a teacher who thinks she should become a nurse?) Everybody can become whatever they want beta! You can become a doctor, or you can even become a soldier if you like.

S looks like she's lost in deep thought for a while before she answers, 'but I don't want to become a doctor. I still wrote in my notebook that I want to become a doctor so that I can save people's lives'.

Me: Wow, that's nice...

S: But amma, I don't want to become a doctor. Can I become a singer?

Me: (Hmmmm) Yes, I guess you can.

S: Amma, can I become a dancer also?

Me: (Hmph! I hate TV and reality shows) Why not?

S: But I want to become an oceanographer and go into the sea. Can I become all three?

Me: Maybe you can if you... (was about to start a lecture on how she should concentrate on her studies, study well and more, and watch less TV, etc.)

My smart daughter sensed the impending ordeal I'm about to put her through and quickly blurted out the problems she foresees with her choices.

S: Amma, it's so difficult if I've to learn all the three no!

Me: Not really. You can sing anytime - all your life even while bathing, cooking, sitting, standing, walking... (hiding my sheepish smiles) probably you can dance under water when you become an oceanographer!

S: But amma, it'll be difficult no... I've to teach some students music, I've to teach some other students dance... then I've to go to the beach to go into the ocean. And I've to go there on time because they'll keep asking me to come fast, everybody will be waiting for me - even TV people - because I've to go inside water with a mike and speak, then they'll record it and show on Animal Planet! How can I go everywhere on time - I have to first learn to get up on time and do things faster.. oh my God how will I do so many things!!

Now you see, the real problems of cute little girls! Looks like they certainly have more problems on hand than most adults do... May God give all little princesses some peace of mind and strength so they can plan their careers smart, and well ahead in life!

My little princess is growing up...

It's been ages since I heard Slipping through my fingers (Abba) but I was suddenly reminded of this song when my daughter and I were enjoying a quiet dinner just a few minutes ago. Reason? The conversation we had or rather my daughter's ability to surprise me with her observations via her monologue.

And thus went our short-and-sweet conversation:

S: Amma, can I ask you one thing?

Me: Hmmm...

S: I've observed one thing about you... actually I've observed three things.

Me: (quietly raised my eyebrows while taking another bite of my dinner).

S: (lists out her three observations):

1. You don't make noise while chewing... which I can't do.
2. You eat very fast.
3. You don't talk much while eating...

Me: (my head reeling, 'Oh my God, what's with this girl?')

S: That is correct no...

Me: (done with my dinner, went to leave the plate in the sink and wash my hand)

S: Amma, can you teach me how to eat fast?

Me: (silent)

S: Amma, also when you're telling me how to chew without making noise, I'm not able to do it properly...

Me: (silent still)

S: And will you please tell me how to keep quiet? I am always talking and I don't keep quiet even for a minute.

Me: (just kept gaping at the little girl wide-eyed)

S: Amma, can you please talk to me while eating - means you just keep talking very fast and keep asking me questions. You ask one question after the other so I'll not be able to talk and I'll learn to keep quiet.

Me: (Still thinking in my head "Is this my daughter? I think I'm insane or she is more than mature for her age") Time to sleep beta, let's go!

She has not only pinpointed the problem at hand, but has also offered me a solution - all in a span of 3 minutes!!!

Slipping through my fingers... Really! Sigh!